Why I Won't be Voting for Obama

Many people have accused me of not knowing the issues this election, yet many of those same people want to debate me on why Obama is so great. I disagree. As a matter of fact, I fear the idea of Obama becoming President. He is not the change we need. While I do disagree with some of what McCain is doing, Barack Obama worries me greatly. Let look at the facts.

Education
Obama wants to close failing charter schools and award succeeding schools. This looks simple and innocent enough, but has many problems. One, Obama is using doublespeak. His website states Obama and Biden want to "improve NCLB's accountability system so that we are supporting schools that need improvement, rather than punishing them." Yet they close failing schools? Are those the same schools that need improvement?

Another problem I have with Obama's plans for Education is how he wants to focus on math and science using "math and science degree graduates." Don't see the problem with that? I do as an Education student. One, most people with those degrees don't want to teach, they have other goals in mind. Making them teach will put them in a position they don't want to be in. Educational Psychology 101, unenthusiastic teachers means unmotivated students. I doubt someone in a field they don't want to be in will do well in that field.

Obama also has some plans to attain teachers. Plans like "rewards," dished out by school districts. I see problems here too. Private schools have their own board, so what is explained excludes private school teachers. That's not very fair. Also, Obama claims this will be "developed with teachers, not imposed on them." This is a lie if the district has control. Not all school board members are teachers or even former teachers. Also, it seems that a bigger set of rewards will go to inner cities, rather than small town schools.

Also, Obama want to get rid of the FASFA, which is bad news for students like me, going to college without the support of family. Obama's campaign clearly states that families will be able to check off a box on their taxes to have that information used. I am not a family, nor am I able to have high enough income to support myself without aid while I am in college. It is not said if people in my situation (going to college sans parental support) will be able to check off the same box. This is doubtful, and would see many people unable to go to college. Much of the aid system would have to be overhauled to accommodate students like me, but what will we do in the meantime?

Further, Obama's "American Opportunity Tax Credit" is a sham. He claims it will cover "two-thirds the cost of tuition at the average public college or university and make community college tuition completely free for most students." This sound great, if you don't know basic math. Hark back to your elementary school days. Remember mean, median, and mode? Mean was that one that gave averages. You take all the numbers you have, add them together, then divide by the number of items you had. Let's say you have 15 numbers, then you'd add them up and divide by 15. The problem with this? The average typically comes to about the center of the numbers present, if there are no extremes. In college tuition, there are extremes. Public colleges include community colleges, which most people can only get an associate's degree. The draw of these colleges is that they are very cheap. Cheaper than most colleges in fact, especially those that offer bachelor's or even master's degrees. Therefore $4,000 might help, but won't make college free for anyone going past an associate's.

Economy
First off, I don't plan on ever being rich. The most I want is to be able to provide for my family. Obama seems dead set on destroying that dream for many Americans (either simply providing, or becoming rich). Obama wants to redistribute wealth. There are many problems with that. One, our economy will not survive a Socialistic change. We are Capitalists, get over it. Obama can't admit that a lower Capital Gains Tax generates more revenue. He wants to increase it to an amount that simply doubles it. Yet by lowering it, both Clinton and Bush found more revenue was generated. Historically we know this works. So why break what works? Obama's plans need money just like any one else's, so why take that away?

Obama's tax plans amount to "throw money at the economy and hope it works again." He wants to give money to people (Socialistic any one?), provide massive tax breaks, and create jobs. I know, this sounds great. The reality is not so good. Creating new jobs, that's a problem in this case. We have just given away lots of money, and then we make new jobs that cost more money. How does that make any sense? We have less money, so we give it away, and then we spend the money we already don't have to make jobs that cost more of that same money we don't have. I'm not the best at math. I will admit that. Yet I'm no idiot. If we have less money (which we do, the economy is in recession), then how does spending more money help anything? Where does that money come from?

The chief way the government gets its money is through taxation. If we cut taxes, the money lessens. The less money, the less we can do financially. This is basic logic people! So for these plans to work, taxes have to raise somewhere. If we tax business, they in turn have to rise the prices of goods so they can pay for higher taxes. Those increases cause people to have to spend more money to get less, therefore they have less money. This continues too long and businesses start losing ground. They have to start firing people to make ends meet, especially if they have to compete with off-shore competition. Unemployment naturally increases, which in turn lessens the money in the economy which repeats the firing and unemployment cycle. The unemployed have to rely on the welfare programs, but the money is slowly running out. When it does, the welfare system crashes. Meanwhile, businesses are closing and no one can afford anything. Final result, the economy crashes. An extreme example, yes, but even a small part of this would be bad.

I do not support a Socialistic economy. If I happen to one day make a lot of money, I don't want the government to take that from me. I should be allowed to pay my taxes, and then do with the rest as I choose. If I give money to those who need it on my own, that's better than the government telling me to do it. If we "redistribute the wealth" like Obama wants, then what happens to the American Dream? We dream of being able to work hard an reap the benefits of our work, yet Obama wants to take that away. Why won't you let America Dream Mr. Obama?

Health Care
Universal Heath Care. Canadians wait weeks to months to get a MRI, while people in Spain sit in run down hospitals. Both countries offer universal health care, but at what cost? The quality suffers. What's Obama stake in all this? His plan will create a quasi-universal health care plan that will further damage our economy. Somehow, Obama will lower health care with credits (which takes even more money out of the system).

Also, he plans on making "employer contributions more fair by requiring large employers that do not offer coverage or make a meaningful contribution to the cost of quality health coverage for their employees to contribute a percentage of payroll toward the costs of their employees health care." Okay, a percentage of payroll? That's where your wages come from. If part of the pie is already gone before you get to it, there's less pie to go around, therefore lower wages. If lower wages are denied, employees would have to be fired to cover costs. This harks back to that bad cycle I was talking about earlier. If employers increase payroll, goods and services must become more expensive to cover it. This goes back to the idea of money not going as far. The cycle still continues.

What's meaningful any way? Obama will make companies that don't make a "meaningful contribution" pay, but never says what's "meaningful." Also, what's "large" by Obama's standards? Why doesn't Obama spell this out more? What about companies that are "large" but can't afford "meaningful contributions?" I guess they just have to tank. No matter how you slice it, this health care plan comes out of the pockets of the very people Obama claims to be helping. If companies do make "meaningful contributions," the money has to come from somewhere. If it all comes from the "rich," then the "rich" will either die or take more from the "poor." If they die, who's left to run this economy? If they take more, how long until we fall?

Let us not forget the controversy of a universal health care plan. Obama's site states there are two extremes, government run (universal), or rampant insurance control (no rules on insurance companies). Just so we're clear, the United States does not employ either system. The Obama-Biden campaign says that both extremes are wrong. Okay, so why would they then state that they want to establish a "National Health Insurance Exchange" that allows private options and "a new public plan." Public means government run. So you have two options, go with your private insurance (your company's or your own), or the public system. The public system which you have to pay for, one way or another. Yet this is supposed to help the middle class Americans? It's yet another "hidden fee" that the Obama campaign won't tell you about.

This one is my favorite, "increasing the use of generic drugs." Obama wants us to use generic drugs more. Do you know what that is Mr. Obama? Tylenol, Advil, Benedril, and other medicines like these fall under the category of "generic." How do I know this? I am a regular sufferer of headaches and migraines. I can't afford to go to the doctor and find out medically why this is, so I have to use over the counter medication. I have done my homework on what I take. I could tell you more about what pills you pop for a headache than a lot of other people. I can also tell you many people, myself included, can't regularly use these "generic drugs." They have little to no effect. I'll take something for my headache simply hoping something might happen. Normally I feel no change, no effect. If I have a mild migraine (mild for me that is), taking anything I can get over the counter is worthless. My headaches are getting worse, anyone who has known me for a while can tell you. I'm in more pain than I used to be, and the pills I take aren't helping. So what good is a generic drug to people like me who need something stronger. Now, let's see the next hidden fee.

Generic drugs are used more under the Obama plan, meaning stronger drugs are less used, and therefore more expensive, drug companies have families to feed too. Now, people like me, who need stronger medication can't afford it unless we have health care (which I don't, nor can I afford it). If they can afford it, they pay "out the nose," as the expression goes, for something that used to be cheaper. Given that they must have a prescription to take that, they cannot give it to them, because it is illegal. So only the "rich" can afford stronger medication, yet we're undermining the rich. The cycle continues.

Then, on top of this, Obama wants "hospitals to collect and report health care cost and quality data." That takes man power, which costs money, because health care professionals don't have all this time to jot down this data, especially when saving lives. So a new job is created. The hospital has to pay for the new position, because no one will do this for free. The hospital needs money from somewhere, and grants only pay for so much. So they have to hike costs somewhere. Naturally this goes back to people who use the hospital, or doctor wages are cut. Either way, money disappears from one hand into another. People still have less money, and the cycle rolls on.

Energy
Obama wants to create more jobs here too and make more of us drive hybrids. You know, those expensive cars you have to take a loan out just to buy? Guess what, this costs even more money in an ever shrinking pool. Lower taxes means less government money which mean less money for programs. Sure people "have more money," until you break down the other plans and see how they work.

Misc.
What worries me is how Obama seems to think he can create millions of new jobs and not have any money to support them. I don't understand how he can rationalize cutting off the government's resources and yet spending more money and throwing around tax credits at everything. The funds have to come from somewhere. If we won't tax the middle class, then he'll tax the upper class, who will in turn take what they need from the lower classes. If he taxes businesses, same rule applies. If he doesn't tax any one, then he has to borrow money or spend on the Deficit. How any of that helps the economy baffles me.

Also, the sheer fandom that seems to be sweeping around this man is insane. When parents have their children sing songs that say things like "Obama is Hope," without them understanding it, you have to realize something is wrong. When people are willing to ignore facts and call people "racist" over this man, there is something wrong.

Obama has openly admitted to having Socialist policies. He attended a separatist church that not only condemned America, but clearly had extreme racist views. While Obama is not the church he attended, he clearly made no effort to stop or change what had been going on, and he made the choice attend that church. And to those who claim, "That's just how they talk in black churches," I've been to many black churches and not one of them spoke that way.

It also bothers me that Obama refuses to let people see his actual birth certificate. If he has nothing to hide, then why do we only have images off the Internet? Why won't he just release his information when Philip J. Berg accused him in the first place? Why wouldn't he let the courts see the document in question? He's bidding to be President, so every aspect of his life is up for examination. That's how it goes.
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What this is not is a Pro-McCain message. If you don't want to vote for McCain, fine, vote third party. What this is is an Anti-Obama message. We can't afford having this man in power, he is not right for the Presidency. Whatever you do, don't elect Barack Hussein Obama Jr. He is not the change we need.

Is It Ironic That I'm Drinking Water When They Can't?

This year a new group began on campus called Eleven. Eleven works with Blood:Water Mission to help raise awareness of the poor water quality in Africa. This lack of good water is harmful to the people of Africa in many ways. Diseases caused and continued by the water run rampant, and so much time must be invested in getting clean water that many suffer from poor education and other problem from the time it takes just to get a day's worth of clean water.

We have another function, however, because awareness is not enough. We also try to raise funds for Blood:Water Mission. This is where our name comes in. There are approximately 11,000 students enrolled at UCM. If those 11,000 students each donated $1.00 apiece, we could help Blood:Water Mission build 11 wells. That's our goal. We want to make a different and get 11 (at least) wells built. It costs $1,000.00 to build one well. The average American spends about $5.00 a week on drinks besides water. Imagine if for one week we took that money and donated it so others might have clean water. There wouldn't be a place left that didn't have clean water if we could get all of America to do this.

In that idea, we at Eleven have undertaken what we are calling "Two Weeks of Sacrifice." For two week, we drink nothing but water. We take the money we would have spent on soda, energy drinks, sports drinks, tea, coffee, etc., and instead donate it to the cause. I started this last week, and I am now on week two. I almost feel bad because I spend less than $5 weekly (on average) on drinks. So, in total, I'm only donating $6.00, for that's what I spend on average in two weeks on non-water drinks. Yet, this is how it goes I guess.

But something else strikes me. We are drinking only water for two weeks in spirit of people who can quite honestly have a better quality of health drinking alcohol over the water. It's ironic, no? I hope that Blood:Water Mission is able to reach it's goal of 1,000 wells. Clean Blood, Clean Water, Eleven.

Starlight Rebootings

So, I've been getting some free time in my schedule, and I've been gearing up to do some projects. I have a few stories I've kept on the back burner for awhile, and I feel it should soon be time to write them. Yes, I said soon.

I've been working on some heavy stuff for my classes, and am thus unable to do much creative work at this time. However, I hope to start soon, because I have been informed of a nifty website called Fan Story. Basically you can review other people's works and summit your own works into contests to win money. However, to be able to summit anything, you must first be a paying member. It's a small fee, but I do not have the writing time to justify that.

However. Starlight Ponderings has gotten a face-lift. I was tried of the old look, and wanted to update it somehow. So, I did some Googling and found eBlogTemplates.com. They offer dozens of free templates, and I found Aspire to be to my likings. I think it really gives that feeling I wanted with Starlight Ponderings, after I edited the template slightly.

So, I am writing to say I will soon be writing, and that if I can find more worthwhile templates, my blogs might all be receiving updates. I will tell you there will be some planned changes happening soon. Until then, God Bless.

Word 2007, I Have Conquered You!

It's past midnight. I should be in bed. Instead, I'm writing a paper. I should be writing that paper, but I wanted to post about this small victory I had over Microsoft Word 2007 tonight. What I loved about the past versions of Word is that they allowed you to have your rulers on the sides of the problem. Controlling things like the indent and the borders of a document was very simple.

However, I lost my last version of Word when my now former roommate (thanks Alex) decided to "fix" things on my computer. He had to reinstall Windows before it was over. The good thing is that we had the foresight to back up my important files. The bad part was that this version of XP came with Microsoft Office 2007 and all of its features. My beloved ruler disappeared. Sure, I could simply hit the space bar five times for every new paragraph, but I am not a barbarian.

So, I went months hitting the space bar five times every time I indented a paragraph. As an English major, this got old, fast. I was not very happy. Yet, then it happened. I found the exact option I was looking for! My beloved ruler hath been restored to me! Now I can present my indent and never have to worry about it again. Also, I have learned of new features that I did not know Word 2007 had, and I'm oddly looking forward to playing with them at a later date. Now back to the paper I should have written earlier.

Chit Chat And Other Idle Words

Lately I've been reading Walden by Henry David Thoreau. He talks a lot about getting in touch with a more spiritual type of life and living more simply, not being so wrapped up in the wants of the material world.

One thing many people credit to Mr. Thoreau is his careful use of words. My professor, Dr. Vaughn is so in love with this book that I believe he would marry it if it were a woman. He's always caroling on about how careful and thoughtful Thoreau is with what he says.

I don't believe it for one second. Thoreau throws in poetry in the oddest places and it usually seems like the lines do not belong. In the chapter entitled "Visitors," he details what it was like having visitors in his cabin. One such visitor was a Canadian who apparently read some Homer, so Thoreau read some Homer to the chap. This is all well and good, but Thoreau seems to find justification to throw in what he read, word for word. Then he starts talking about how simple and natural the Canadian was, which had nothing to do with the verses at all!

Really, becoming an English major will indeed drive me to my insanity, one way or another. I have also been broken of that phase of not writing in my books. My Critical Approaches to Literature professor, Dr. Martin, has made it painfully clear that I have no hope of surviving in his class or as a teacher if I do not write in my books. Now I find myself underlining and otherwise marking passages in all my books for class. This is something I would have never done before this year.

Alas, this is not may point! Not for this post any way. I think we use too many words to say too little. Like Thoreau, we add meaningless things that have nothing to do with what we mean. I know that I do the same thing. I have led people on to think what I did not want them to with my saying too much. I have had girls believe I liked them, and guys believe I hated them, all because I waste words. This is a horrible trend, one I mean to stop, hopefully, someday.

Roses For Their Petals

Once someone told me that roses can predict things. They said the if you give someone a rose, and if it didn't wilt, you would soon find good fortune. However, conversely, if it soon wilted, bad fortune was to follow. Well, I have given many roses in my life, and none of them wilted very quickly, yet I wouldn't say I've been all that fortune.

Perhaps I should explain further before I confuse any one. You see, the color of the rose directly relates to what it is predicting. Red roses speak of love, yellow of friendship, white of life itself, etc. I have never read this anywhere, nor read it. Yet I remember what I was told so distinctly.

I am not a man who believes in luck. I think if God is in control, then luck has no place in the universe. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know that reason at first. Yes, even if that reason hurts more than we realize, it is still there.

I have given red roses that did not wilt for over a week. I am twenty and single with no real prospects. I gave a friend a white rose less than a year ago. It was very much alive a few days later, even a week later it had barely started to drop its petals. Well, I'm alive, but my "quality of life" could be questionable. We will not get into that.

Now, I'm sure there are people wondering, "If you just basically cut people out of your life for now, why are you suddenly getting all sentimental now?" Well, it really comes down to my motives. My reasons for what I've done. You see, I've been in pain for awhile now. It's not a physical pain, but an emotional one. This pain is of my own creation, and it is one I plan on putting to death.

Yet there is more to this picture than that. You see, I value my friendships. Perhaps too much so, for I am oft hurt. I hadn't decided to do what I had until I hit that breaking point. You know, how once you come up with a provisional point, but you don't act on it unless reason justifies it? Well, my plan to do what I am now doing required but one final piece to come into place. That piece came, but it was a blow I have had difficulty facing.

You see, I met someone this year. This person is kind and smart, funny and a good conversationalist. There are over qualities, but that is neither here nor there. My point is that I had (or at least I thought I had) started to become somewhat close to this person. Then, so events happened and we ended up talking less. Fine, as long as we're still friends.

Apparently there is a degree to which this person wants me as a "friend." I believe the term is acquaintance? Now, you might find me childish for allow this to be my final breaking point, as it were, but you must understand, there are other factors. I cannot fully explain until it is all over, but this was too much for me. What I broke is too apparent, and now must be fixed or replaced. Fortunately, God is good at fixing and/or replacing. Yet I need to focus on things.

So, to explain as I can, my reasoning. What I am is not what I want to be. What I do is not what I want to do. So, I will change it. I have always said that if you do not like something, change it. Well, it's about time I took my own advice.

I am tired of being hurt by people, simply due to their thoughtlessness. We give false signals, and then panic. This hurts. Well, I cannot change others, only myself. There was a time I was uncaring and nigh heartless. I think that would be a rather disagreeable state as I now know Christ. I think it's time for a different approach, but I don't know what that will be yet. I have been temped to run away from everyone I know, run away and start my life over. There are times I want to go where no one knows my name, my face, or anything about me. Why? Because, I often feel that people hate the real me, the me I hide. I wear a mask, not to protect myself, but to protect everyone else.

It's not that I am so terrible. It's just I notice a trend. This trend is horrible and repulsive. It is due to this trend I do not trust most people. People tend to pull away from me when I'm hurting. If I tell them what has happened to me in my past, they back off. The more someone knows me, the more they treat me different. There is no one that is the exception. Am I to trust those who will never allow themselves close to me?

I am very aware of myself and that which surrounds me. When people behave one way or another, I notice. The question I now have to answer, is it me, or is it them? If it is me, then maybe I can fix that. If it is them, Lord help me...

For this reason, I do not trust the rose! It is a liar!

We claim to be unable to explain things, that is a lie. I could explain what's going on with me, but I choose not to right now. When it is over, I will have told my story and it will be understood. You say you cannot explain, this is not true, it never is. I know from experience. We claim we can't, but it more of that we won't. If we try, we can, but it's easier not to try.

Once someone told me to disbelieve the story about the roses. They told me it was a story of false hope. They told me I would be alone, and trying would be useless. Over the years, I have had what I considered good friends suddenly leave with no warning. People who claimed they thought of me as close just vanish from my life. I am starting to believe I will ultimately be alone... Like that last rose petal that falls after all the others have dried away...

My Little Vanishing Act

I guess I'm writing this ahead of time. I guess I'm writing this to inform people before it happens. I guess...

This semester has found me, already, stressed beyond what I thought I could be in just a few sort days. So, in light of the nature of semesters to just get worse, I am issuing a warning to everyone.

It's simple really, I'm not going to be seen much. I will not be socializing much, "Facebooking" that much, I won't even be calling or texting much. I will be too busy for this. Also, there are things I'm going through that I have to deal with, alone. I ask that no one try to get me to talk about it, etc, etc. I know, I have friends and whatnot, but I also have things that must be done, and no one can help me do this except God. No wisdom, no hang out time, no e-mail, no phone call, nothing can help me right now.

This is not a rash decision, this is not me being brash. I made this choice after much thought. When I am seen, if I appear to be sulking, I may just be in deep thought. I have a lot going on, and when I am ready to talk, I am ready to talk. I will continue to write, I will continue to do what I normally do, but I will be lock away in my room when I am not doing other things. This is my choice, I have my reasons. I cannot fully explain them, for no one would understand. That is all.

The Return of The Klutz!

This summer (rocky as it was), found me doing some things I've never been very apt at doing. That is, my overall klutziness was a a minimum. That's right, tripping, falling down stairs, and bumping into random objects was not an issue for me this summer. Then it happened, I returned to school.

It's almost like my klutziness has started to make up for lost time. I've been banging my knee so much that I have bruises on both. I've tripped over various objects multiple times the last several days. I have random cuts, and my left ankle is in pain. I mean, I've never been very graceful (except when running, which I enter some super balance state and can even run backwards, which is why I do it from time to time), but this is nuts. I'm sure people think I'm an accident waiting to happen now.

Things I've tripped over lately:

• cords
• boxes
• small bits of plastic
• my guitar case
• my desk chair
• the very air itself

Things I've ran into lately:

• my desk
• other people's desks
• a door
• stair railing
• door frames
• a couch

Well, I guess it was bound to happen at some point. I've always been a bit awkward, so this is not a new trend. However, a day without tripping or running into somethings would be grand.

Welcome Back! Here's Some Craziness, On Us.

School is back in session, and now it's time for classes again. It's been a long summer, but I'm ready and geared up for school. Or so I thought.

Two days of school later, and I have over 300 pages of reading due within the next two days. On top of that, I have approximately 15 (and most likely more) papers due by the end of the semester. Also, multiple projects that I basically have to start at least a month and a half in advance if I even want to hope to complete them on time. Plus I have to pick up speaking Middle English within this time. The added bonus of that is one of my classes assigns all the readings in Middle English.

For those of you thinking either, "The Middle English bit doesn't sound so hard," or, "What is Middle English?" allow me to explain. Middle English is basically what was spoken in England during the Middle Ages. For all of you who have seen the movies of knights and such, who think they spoke the same, dream on. For those of you who mistakenly think Shakespeare is Middle English, I wish.

Here is a sample of Middle English from Geoffrey Chaucer's Canterbury Tales:
Whan that Aprill with his shoures soote
The drogthe of March hath perced to the roote,
And bathed every veyne in swich licour
Of which vertu engendered is the flour
Whan Zephirus eek with his sweete breeth

Yes, those are actual words. Yes, you probably can't make head or tales of it. Yes, by the end of the semester, I will ideally be able to speak it was well as I do modern English. Now, read aloud, it makes more sense, but then there are words in Middle English that mean different things than in modern English. Like "degree" means "social rank," "made forward" means "made agreement," and "corages" means "hearts." I will be using that all semester.

However, it seems the ideal way to read and thus speak Middle English is to do it with a British Accent. So, my British will get better, which is a bit of a plus. Also, it will give me insight to the British mannerisms and saying that confuse most of us "yankees."

Any way, back to the work load of the semester. I also have to teach a book to one of my classes; a book I have to buy. Plus become a grammar "nazi," as some term it. All the while, doing other misc. tests and quizzes. I will be busy.

Web Comics Have Filler, Can Blogs Have Filler Too?

I was going to "treat" my readers (are you out there?) to a rant that I've been musing in my head for the past couple of days, but...

I received an e-mail with a link inside (http://www.thefunnystuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=925).

You should watch the video, it will crack you up, in pieces.


Which will have to be swept up...

And then put back together again.

But not by the King's horses or men, we see how that lot did with Humpty Dumpty. Poor chap never was put back together again...

Then again, the dude was an egg-man-thing, or some sort like that, so maybe it was best.



...why was he sitting on a wall if he was an egg?
He deserved it if you ask me, Mr. Dumpty was a moron, case closed.

Well, maybe that's too mean, but still, who in their right mind, if they find themselves to be made of egg, would sit on a wall?

Courting, A Case Study or I'm Banging My Head Against The Wall

I've been doing some thinking lately. For those of you who know how much I think on a regular basis, this is a prompt time to gasp, "Oh NO!" (Expect that would be more of a yell, but still very apt.)

This summer I attended my first two weddings, ever. Yes, I know that's a shock, most people have attended like fifty thousand weddings by the time they are five. Yet, with less than a year before I can legally purchase alcohol and at the same time have a slightly lower insurance premium (I really don't care about the booze), I have only now been to a wedding (two, in fact).

I couldn't attend the reception at the first one because I had to work, and honestly, I was trying to skip out. I could have traded shifts, but I was sure I would have been too upset. I'm twenty and single at a wedding reception were most people have dates, a notable "bummer."

The second one found me attending the reception, but skipping out just before the dancing started. Why? Multiple reasons. One, a friend of mine needed to leave, but was dragging her feet, so I agreed to "shoo her," as it were. Also, while there were multiple people who would have gladly shared a dance or two with me, I didn't want to dance with any one there. Truth be told, there was someone on my mind. (Though I regret not dancing.)

Now I come to the meat of the issue. When does one find "the right one?" (And why is it the "right," and not the "left?") How do you know? How do you even court!? I want to know. The Bible, as far as I understand, talks about how our love is supposed to be, not how to find that special someone.

I wouldn't know who to ask about this. My parents never married, my mom is a non-practicing Mormon, and my dad thinks all Christians are fakes (not sure if that includes me). So the parental approach is clearly out. I feel awkward asking other people's parents for advice I can't go to my own parents for, and many of them feel awkward giving it to me, so that's a no go. I've prayed about it, but I've had some other issues lately that God has been showing me have more importance than this question, so He's telling me to wait on this one.

Maybe that's what I should do, just wait it out. However, there's that lingering thought, how will I know? When will I know? Will I know right away? What kind of person is she? Okay, so that was several thoughts, but you get the idea.

I've always had this idea of what my perfect someone would be like. Yet, now, I feel like maybe I won't meet them. Paul says that it is good not to marry, but if you burn in your passions, then marry (1 Cor. 7). Well, I've had this desire to raise a family. I want to marry my wife, have my kids, and serve the Lord (hopefully my wife and kids are really the Lord's and not mine).

The older I get, the more my want to marry increases. I search for that right someone a lot. Not because I'm impatient to marry, but about I want to start my life with whomever the Lord has for me. I'll tell you this, I love my wife very dearly, but I know not who she is. I know who I hope she is, but only the Lord knows that right now.

I'll tell you what doesn't help my thoughts on this though, all the people I seem to know are either getting married, dating someone, or complaining about being single. I try to hold my tongue and not tell everyone how frustrated I am, not explain my own woes. I try to be that friend who lends advice and congratulates when congratulations are due. Yet, I want to find you, Love. Maybe I know you already, maybe we have yet to meet, but I want to be the husband you deserve.

Really Long And Hopefully Attention Getting Title That May Or May Not Have Any Point Is A Go Go!

Greeting my loyal fans (all none of you) and those who read this blog (all three of you). Today I write, not because I have anything of particular note to write about, but because I promised myself a long time ago I would try to start developing my writing skills. Also, because I feel this need to write, or else I might go stir crazy.

Yet, if I don't have a point, then this post is meaningless. So, in a effort to prevent meaninglessness, on with the post.

I sometimes wonder how things happen as they do. Lately, I have had some of the most curious of dreams. In them, I suddenly am reunited with a very dear friend of mine that, for reasons I do not know, stopped talking with me about a year ago. I had started to get back in contact with her, but that never went very far. I'll admit, I was quite smitten with her at one point.

However, I was so sure I had moved on, yet these dreams. I'm not sure if these dreams are from my feelings that I once had, or if they're just my mind trying to work through something. It's hard to tell. None of the dreams suggest any sort of relationship or want thereof, but the mind is hard to understand at best.

The dreams all involve simply spending time with the person in question. Talking over a cup of coffee, watching movies, small things like that are the focus of the dreams. In the dreams, I never feel infatuated with her. In fact, I just feel content, like I do when I spend time with my friends. I wonder if it is just my desire to befriend this person again. However, the mind has a habit of playing tricks on one.

Sometimes I envy people who cannot recall what they saw as they slept. I remember most of my mind's wondering as I sleep, well into the waking hours. I can recount my dreams for long periods of time, anywhere from days to years later.

Nightmares are included in this. I can recall nightmares I had as a child, and even remember my greatest fears. I remember many things I wish I could forget, and have forgotten many things I wish I could remember. Yet, my memories don't fade much. I can recall the faces of most of the people I've ever met. I can meet someone one time and have instant recall of their face. I even remember the faces of people I pass by. I can see someone on a street corner, then see them weeks later somewhere else and remember seeing them.

My point is that I haven't forgotten how I felt about her, and I worry. I haven't forgotten my past mistakes with her, and I don't know if there is even a friendship left there. I hope there is, but one never knows. I hope, for one, there still is...

Fearing You Only Gets To Me

Lately, as I have said more than once, I've been doing a lot of thinking. It's funny how driving in one's car can leave so much time for thought. I think I have thought more about my life and what's going on around me in the last month than I have in a good, long while. Not everything I have uncovered in this time has been good.

The mind is a funny thing. Even when you believe you've mastered it's art, it reveals yet another secret. The heart is the same way. I think that we all over think things. I, too, am guilty of that. I recently had become rather too involved with a friend of mine. It's left us both in a rather unsettled place. For her, I cannot fully understand. For me, I cannot help but feel guilty somehow.

In a healthy relationship, it is natural for both parties to own up to their part in anything. This is my way of owning up. I shouldn't have put you in that situation. I should have taken more responsibility. I admit, I enjoyed the conversations perhaps too much. I have never found myself enjoying a conversation, online or otherwise, so much. I do not offer this as an excuse, but as the truth.

I like to converse, any one who knows me knows this. I hate using the phone for it takes something away from the conversation. I love writing and communicating from it. I never thought, however, about what I said and how it might impose. I'll admit that I get attached to people quite quickly, and I hold my friends very dear. Yet, what I did, I have never done before. I should have know better, yet, because I did not think, I had a hand in all this. Then I have the audacity to feel betrayed over it, to feel hurt. It was my fault, I should have handled it, but now I have done what I shouldn't. For this, I am sorry.

A Wife, That Is My Request

I've been thinking a lot lately. The more I think, the more I come to the same conclusion. I am madly in love with my wife. This is the small hitch in all this, I have yet to meet my wife. I know God knows her and is keeping her safe, but I at times feel like He is keeping her from me.

More than once I have laid awake at night, crying because I am so desperate for human connection. That is to say, I want someone to be in my life that is God fearing, and also a deep part of my life. I almost feel cursed because I have this uncanny ability to match people, but I cannot hope to find the right someone for me. Every time I think, "Maybe, just maybe, this is the woman I've been waiting for," something snatches that up from me.

I've had many people come to me for relationship advice. Many of them, I didn't even know. I gave them what I knew to say. I have seen many people come together from my advice. It will not work for me. I've been told that I am like Will Smith's character in the movie Hitch. I have never seen this film, but what I understand of the plot, I fit the bill. I can fix relationships, I can match people together. God has given this to me. He did not give me this ability for myself.

I don't know how it works. I drive people together. I have been a part of actually putting two people just where they need to be to know they are right for each other, yet I cannot ever do that for me! It's madding to think that I cannot find that woman who God has planned for me. People tell me to wait on His time, that He'll reveal her to me when I'm ready. It's hard to see that at times. Every time I hope is the time I am let down.

I meet many girls; most of my friends are of the female persuasion. Many girls I meet find me attractive at first. I've been told all my life that I'm handsome or cute or whatever. I have learned one thing about this, it means less than nothing. At work, an incoming Freshman girl was flirting with me when she found out I went to the school she would soon start attending. "I'll definitely look you up in the Fall." What does that mean? I'll tell you, jack squat. I might make a new friend, big deal. That not my main concern. I have friends after friends after friends. Making friends to me is like eating, something I do well and often.

I pray for my wife nearly every night. I have since I got Saved. I know God is faithful, even when I'm not. Part of me says, "Hey, all this heartache and waiting, you know she'll be worth it." For a mainly positive person, I can't listen to the positive side of this all the time. There's still the waiting, the longing, and the pain. I fight back the tears as I type this post. I know there are things in my life that have to change so I'm ready for her, but how I long to meet her! I fear I am a hopeless romantic who is slowly losing hope.

And The Car Goes, "Rant, Rant, Rant, Rant, Rant!"

Okay, the following is a bunch of things I want to get off a chest, but am complete uninterested/unable to talk with other people about. It is a good old fashioned rant. I am giving this warning so you can look away now and pretend this post does not exist. Continue at your own risk.

Why is it that people don't watch where they're going when they're driving? Is it so hard to follow the rules of the road? Can it really be that difficult to do the right thing!? I have been almost run over while driving by semis I don't know how many times! Those things are dangerous because they act like they own the road and don't watch out for little cars! Is it too much to as for people not to run into me?

Oh, and even better are the people that almost clip you merging into your lane! Is it so hard just to look and make sure you have the room to merge before doing so!? And why do people tend to speed up when a car is pulling out of somewhere in front of them!? It's not like you're going to beat them there, the person is already pulling out!

My favorite are the people who seem to be trying to run you off the road. It's called sharing people! We learned this while we were children, and, yes, it still applies! And seeing as so many people expect you to let them over when they need to merge, why don't they do the same!? Why are we so reckless behind the wheel? Is it so hard to be safe? Do you have to speed everywhere?

Starlight Ponderings

I've been thinking a lot lately, which is a habit some would say I should quit. I would disagree, but that is neither here, nor there. What is at hand this what's been on my mind. Namely, my future and where I should be in the next several years. Truth be told, I am not completely sure. I have been pondering my life and asking questions that I didn't think I would ask. Namely, "Where am I going?"

I know I've been called to teach. However, teaching is a complicated thing. Ever since I set out of my goal to obtain a teaching degree, the same question kept rearing its head, "Why not teach at the collegiate level?" Is it because I am too lazy? Is it because I do not desire this? Is it because God isn't calling me there? Truth be told, I cannot answer this. Why shouldn't I get my doctorate? Yes, yes, this is several years down the line, but why should I stop at a master's degree in English? Teaching, yes, is in my future. However, education is a complex thing. There are many levels at which one could teach, and many ways to teach.

I've thought about it for years and one of my truest and deepest desires is to write professionally. Now I am aware that my craft requires some refining, yet the want is deeply embedded within myself. Furthermore, my writing is something many have encouraged. I've always been astute when it came to matters of the written word. I was and am still leaps and bounds ahead of many of my peers in both reading and writing (of course this is only by the Grace of, I am aware). Why is it that I cannot teach by writing? Is that not what C.S. Lewis set out to do with his essays?

The point I am making here is why should I stop with high school? Honestly, it wasn't like high school was my only choice. I personally chose to stop at the high school level. There is nothing to stop me from getting my doctorate unless this is outside God's Will for my life. Of course, if it is outside His Will, I do not want to be there, but lately I've grown restless.

This, alas, is not the only thing on my mind. The other night, while conversing with a now trice mentioned friend, the question was posed, "Where would you want to live?" I've thought about this for years. I want it clear before I say anything more, that I do love America. It is a fine country in its own right. However, I grow weary of living on its soil. I've always had this dream of living in Europe. Either on the British isle, or near it. I always love watching movies filmed in that part of the world because I love seeing it. When I meet people with British, Irish, and even Scottish accents, part of me wishes I had the same said accent. I can do a mean impression of each.

This, unfortunately, is a far off dream. If I ever get my doctorate in English, it would be a possibility to teach out there. If I ever become a writer, I could move out there. Yet, these are if. Be it God's Will or let it never be. That is all I have to say of the matter.

Now, some (all one of you who read this blog) might be wondering why I changed the layout of the blog. It is simple, I used the old layout for my newest blog, Starlight Ponderings. I decided that since I had a more serious blog for posting Biblical and Christian essays, and this one is becoming a rant blog, I might as well have one for my more literary aspirations. So this new blog will have samples of my poetry and my short stories. It seemed only fitting to me.

Misadventures in Car Owning: A Reflection

It was late Thursday night. Midnight was fast approaching and I was tried for the day. I had just gotten off work and felt the deep desire for sleep. However, I still needed to drive home. So, I hop into my car and start it up. As I pull out from my carefully selected parking space, I notice that the wheel will not turn without my muscling it around. My power steering had failed.

I force my car back into a parking spot and hope for the best. I quickly pop the hood and check my engine. Mind you, it's very dark out and I can see nothing. Seeing nothing (what little I could) wrong with the car, I check my power steering fluid. (Yes, there it a fluid that allows you to easily turn the wheel while driving.) It seemed low, so I had a co-worker drive me to Wal-Mart to get some more. After filling the reservoir, I find that I still do not have power steering. I even try to drive around to let it refill. This does not work.

The next day, my dad gets back to me. He thinks it's the pump (there's a pump involved as well). So he tells me he'll fix it when he get back from Florida. I thought I was set. That is I thought I was set all the way until my car died on my way back to Warrensburg. Fortunately for me, I broke down right next to the Missouri Highway Patrol, Troop A Headquarters. Their mechanic came and helped me with my car. We found that my serpentine belt (or drive belt, as some call it) had been chewed completely up. Okay, I got a new one. Not okay, this is when I discover my real and true problem, my tensioner is broken.

Let me explain for the less car inclined. The serpentine belt is responsible for a lot of things in a car. It spins your alternator (which keeps your battery charged), powers your A/C, and works your power steering pump along with a few other parts of the car. Without this part, your battery will quickly run down and your car will die. The tensioner is also important because it keeps the correct tension on the serpentine belt and helps it turn. Mine was cracked and broken, which is why my belt was chewed up.

Now, I am stuck in Warrensburg for the weekend. After Memorial Day (this coming Monday), places will be open for business again. Seeing as I had my car towed to the Lee Summit High School nearby the place it broke down, it will sit there until I get a replacement tensioner. I cannot replace this part until Tuesday because nowhere is open to buy one. I figure my best bet is to go to "U Wrench It," pull one off another car, then replace my tensioner, put the belt on, run the battery to Wal-Mart and replace it. After that, my car should be in working order once again.

I am thankful to God for my car (now named Bianca by a friend). It has been a bit of a pain, but I have learned a lot about cars and about car places from this whole thing. I am also reminded how hard work really pays off.

Maria Sue Chapman, In Memoriam

Well, I'm sure by now everyone's heard the news. I heard it while driving from Lexington to Warrensburg. Maria Sue Chapman died Wednesday night when her older brother pulled into the Chapman driveway in an SUV and did not see young Maria. I know very little of Steven Curtis Chapman's music, but I know enough to know the man has a Heart for God. When I heard the news on K-Love. I grieved for the Chapmans, though I cannot imagine what they are going through. My prayers go out to the family in their time of grief.

Amazingly enough, even in the face of this heartbreaking event, the Chapmans have asked for people to do something with their sadness. They ask, instead of sending roses, for people to send donations to their orphan assistance organization, Shaohannah's Hope. They goal of Shaohannah's Hope is to help reach orphan's for Christ and provide assistance to them with adoption and sponsoring.

I hope that if I am ever faced with such a situation that I can face it with this kind of hope. I cannot imagine, like I said, what the Chapmans are going through, but I hope they know God is still there and is listening.

I ask that when any one who reads this prays, they would remember the Chapmans.

Misadventures in Car Legalizing

Recently, I was fortunate enough to find a car within my price range. This came as a blessing, because I will be needed a car to travel to the schools I will observe at and the one at which I will complete my student teaching. However, I had no idea of knowing that this would be a larger hassle than I originally planned.

I bought the car last Friday and hoped I could be on the road shortly after. That plan, however, proved to be harder than expected. When I tried to start my car the next morning (Saturday), the battery was dead. Yes, dead. I could not start it for the life of me. So my dad had to come out and test the battery, just to make sure. You see, the guy who owned my car before me had rigged up some switches for the A/C and the cooling fan, so we worried it was those switches. That's when we discovered I had a 3 year guarantee from Wal-Mart. So we got the battery replaced. Albeit too late to do anything like getting an inspection that day.

Monday rolls around, and I plan to get an early start on my car. So I take my car to the local Firestone to get an inspection. Which the car fails. However, I would later find that some of the things "wrong" with the car are not actually wrong, or they weren't when I took the car in. For instance, a bolt was broken off the front right wheel. The break was rather fresh...

So I took it to the place that sold it to me and they fixed it, for free. He even fixed the problem I had with the cooling fan switch. It turns out there are still people who keep their word. Since the owner of the shop promised it would work fine, he said he would take care of it. Thus, it was taken care of.

Wednesday rolls around, and my car is ready to be inspected again. This is when I find out that the left break light was missed when things were being fixed. No problem, I just took it back an it was done. So, I hope on I-70 and head to Odessa to get my insurance taken care of. At least that was the idea when I find I'm headed in the opposite direction! Lesson in this, it's a pain to get back onto the highway you just got off of if you want to turn around.

On my way to Odessa, I am reminded that many people are crazy behind the wheel. I was passing an entrance ramp. At the time I had a SUV on my left, a full-size car in front of me, and another SUV behind me. A car decided to get onto the highway. No problem, that's what we do when we drive. However, he tried to merge while I could not get out of his way! He didn't seem to notice I was there at all! Fortunately, just enough space for my little Chevy Cavalier to slip through. (Thank You GOD! If I didn't have You in my Life, I don't know what I'd do.)

I make it safe and sound to Odessa. I get my insurance with no problem and get directions to Lexington where I am getting my tags. I make it to Lexington, 15 minutes too late to make it to the licensing beau. So I have to make my way back to Independence and get up early to get my tags before I work.

Moderate to Moderate Moderation

Transportation is very important for every American. Especially if that American plans on working. This is even more true if that American does not live close to his/her place of employment.

If you can't tell already (and you should be able to), I'm talking about myself. I had a vehicle once, a van. I made a mistake with that van and totaled it. It was an unfortunate mistake. Yet I have a God Who is always looking out for me. In my search for a vehicle to replace my van, I have come closer to my dad, and have rebuilt a broken relationship. I have found a chance to reach my dad while God is reaching him. He found me a Chevy Cavalier and everything that needs to be fixed on it is being fixed. My dad said "something" just told him to go look down this road for a car for me. I think I know Who that "Something" is.

I'm very excited about this car. It's around a '97, we're not exactly sure because we don't have the title just yet, and runs very well. All the major repair work that happens to Cavaliers at this stage is being completed for me and everything works in it. The best part is that the car is Bluebook valued at closer to $3,000 and we're buying it for $1,200. Not because it's that bad of a car, but because it was sold to the person selling it for cheap. I know that I couldn't have done this any better. I know that God's looking out for me.

Now on to the other reason I'm posting, to rant. Yes, rant. I'm actually surprised I don't have more rants posted yet, but it will happen; I'm pretty famous (locally maybe?) for my rants. Any way, on to the ranting.

Do you know any one is just dives into something head first without too much thought? I mean the ones who just really jump in there and throw caution completely to the wind? I know a few of those people; I am technically one of them. "Technically?" you ask? Yes, technically.

I don't simply jump into everything. I think a lot about many things before I do anything. Where I trip up is relationships. No, no, not dating, mind you. I'm not one of those people. You know the ones, right? Who define themselves by who they're dating? Well, rest assured, that is not me. However, I have rushed into situations of potential dating capacity.

My point is, I don't understand brashness with situations! I mean, seriously! Why do people just jump into everything? I see people get hurt more than anything else when they just dive right in. Don't get me wrong, I dive into things as well, but there is a thought process and I'm quick about it.

A friend of mine recently said to me, "Oh, you know me, I just jump into things without thinking about it." Why!? I mean, it hasn't help this person out so far, yet it continues! I always thought that if something isn't working out, you have to change. If it doesn't work, it's wrong. Yet, even though simply diving in has not yielded favorable results, people continue with it!

Don't get me wrong, I've been there. I've rushed into things before. It has never worked out for me, nor has it worked for any one I know. Yet I see people continue to do it.

What I'm trying to say is, THINK!!!! God gave us brains for a reason. I don't think it's wise of us to just throw that all away. I can't understand why we just take our thoughts and say, "Hey, I don't need these, they just keep me from doing the really stupid things in life." I want to scream at people sometimes. I'm not kidding. We have become very stupid creatures as the sin nature runs rampant in our society. We do things in a way that constantly gets us hurt, yet we still do it. I don't think I'll ever understand.

Write to Blog

Hello world and greetings from Internet Land. Today, I was looking at a blog that is maintained by an acquaintance of mine and noticed something, a "tag cloud." I'll assume that tag clouds are a normal feature of Word Press, for I have no experience with the service. However, Blogger doesn't even have the option. This was slightly disappointing to me because I like the organization of tag clouds, or weighted lists as they are also called. However, being an avid "Googler," (as some have coined the term) I simply searched for "Blogger Tag Cloud Widget". For those unfamiliar with a widget, it is simply a bit of HTML code (and sometimes Javascript) that performs a special function like counting how many times a site is visited and displaying that count, or providing a clock feature on the site.

I clicked on the first link I found, and lo-and-behold, I found exactly what I was looking for. I was excited because this new widget allowed me to play with the HTML code of my two blogs, which is something I was looking for excuse to do. However, I found the step-by-step instructions very easy to follow. Even someone with little to no knowledge of HTML use this information. Now, not only do I have a fun little widget on both my blogs, but it gives me an excuse to write, which one needs while busy with school work.

Now, even though this is a terrible change of pace, and one of the worst transitions I have done in some time, it is time for a change of gears. (Wow, that was a mouthful and a nightmare of a sentence!)

Many people who go to at least a mid-size college or university has most likely heard of "Brother" Jed. Jed is not the kind of man I would like to see preaching the Word of God. The man spends a lot of time spewing hate doctrine and very little time speaking Truth. Rather than speak the Truth that can be offensive, Jed is simply offensive. After listening to his usual "you're all going to Hell" speech, I grew restless.

"Where is your love at Jed?" I asked him. Here was no real reply. Brother Jed spend the next several minutes calling down what I would say in reply to his questions. I told him he needed to preach in love. He ask me what love was. We (a girl in the crowd spoke up) gave him 1 Corinthians 13 for an answer. When I said he needed love in what he said, his reply was "Yeah, come to our Bible Study, we'll have s'mores and a 'hippie love fest.'" This man clearly has little to no foundation in the Truth of God's Word. He also spent a good amount of time trying to break down my character and basically "call me out." For instance, I pulled out my Bible (the own I use a lot of the time at any rate) and he said, "He carries his Bible, which is a good sign, a good start."

What Jed fully sees is that there is Wrath from God for the unbeliever. What Jed sees is Condemnation. However, Jed fails to realize that Jesus' message wasn't Condemnation, but Salvation. Jed believes he is sinless (which the Bible clearly states that only Jesus was without sin) and fails to see that what he is doing is wrong. The Bible tells believers to flee sexual immorality among other things. If we are made sinless, why would we need to flee something that wouldn't affect us? It's simple, we are not sinless, but freed from sin and are no longer slaves to it.

Other claims made by Jed are:

• His wife's "two offices are in the kitchen and in the bedroom"
• College "boys" should go into the military to become men, and are not really men if they haven't killed someone
• God's Wrath is His Love (a contradiction the Bible does not support)
• Kissing is "shameful" and will always lead, ultimately, to premarital sex (also not a Biblical idea)
• If you listen to rock music of any kind, you are going to Hell

The list goes on, but it is really absurd for him to make these claims. Yet Jesus warned us that false teachers would come. I hope not too many people were push away because of Jed's message, and I hope one day he sees the Truth.

Blogging in the Wee Hours (I Really Need to Stop)

It's past 2:00 am and I am still awake. It's not because I'm unable to sleep, nor is it that I don't want to sleep. I, for some reason I cannot fathom, decided to stay up and play with my Firefox Web Browser a bit. I really enjoy customizing my Firefox, and that's what I'm doing up. Now, someone may read this and say, no you're not, you're up posting to your blog. Well, actually, both are true. I'm trying out this Scribe Fire add-on that I've seen while perusing the various additions Firefox has to offer.

Now, many people will ask, why are you now using a blog editor in Firefox? Well, for one, I look at web sites while I blog, usually because they have relevance to my post. Scribe Fire lets me look at a site and post to my blog without tabbing over. Also, I love customization, and Firefox lets me do that. Also, I am trying to pursue authorship. I want to be a writer. I know that God has called me to education, and I know that He has given me some ability to write, so I hope that He will allow me to write as an author. I feel this is a step in that direction.

Start the Game Already!

Aw, college life. It is such a strange experience. Unlike high school which is so focused on school and that is your life, college is so very different. We follow a new pattern of classes vs. free time. Now, ideally, that free time is spent on studying and maybe a job, yet in actuality this is not the case. For most college students, there are only a few things that are constant. That's music, the Internet, and video games.

Walk through your average dormitory on any given college campus and you will find most people either playing video games, listening to music, or surfing the Internet. As I have often said jokingly, "I am a college student, so naturally, I'm addicted to the Internet." Even when I go to Student Government meetings I find that the Internet is a focus. More often than not, just before our meetings when a group of us gather in the office, there is Internet usage. This usage is rarely related to the up-coming meeting. Normally we are sharing a newly discovered YouTube video, or playing that next Addicting Game from AddictingGames.com.

I have to wonder, is this a trend we will continue into our careers? Or will Internet usage be a constant problem in our lives? Will we stay addicted to the Internet, or will we be free at last? I really hope so. I am a big procrastinator and I can tell you the Internet is often my reason for procrastinating. I don't know, maybe I'm addicted to the Internet because there's simply nothing to do. I'm single, so I won't being spending time with any sort of girlfriend. I'm poor, so i won't be going out a lot or buying things. My time is limited, and I don't work out ever free hour I have. It might be just the structure of college life that causes this, or it might just be our mentality.

Running Like The Devil's Chasing Me

I'm often reminded of how complex the human mind can be. There are times that we can't understand what's bothering us. That is to say, we know some thing's on our mind, but it's buried so deep, we can't figure out what it is. Sometimes, however, it's so deep that we're not even aware that it's an issue until it surfaces somehow.

I do some of my best thinking when I run. I remember when it became too hectic for me to handle at home, which it would from time to time, I would go for a walk. My walks would later become jogs. The jogs in turn became runs. Sometimes I left to clear my head and think over what was happening. Other times I would leave to calm down. I found running became the best method for this. Not only did it calm me down faster, but it helped me to think faster because of the increased use of my brain due to the running. I found myself ready to return to situation and try and solve it as best I could. Because of this, running became my escape in many ways. I could simply disappear from somewhere and reappear with a more calm, clear mind. Also, it allowed me to just get away from people, for there are times that I simply want my space. There were even times that I couldn't just simply leave and go run, so I would wait until late at night, when everyone else was asleep, and run. Sometimes, I ran just to feel free.

It was because of my running that I realized something, I'm still mad at my dad. When my family first abandoned me, I had a favorite song. "Which to Bury, Us or the Hatchet" by Relient K. I listened to it as thought about what had happened. I didn't and still don't hate my dad, but I was mad at him for so long, I couldn't stand the thought of him at times. Imagine how much more painful it was to find I was like him! It was like venom in my mouth, and I was angry with myself! I spent so much time trying to reinvent myself. I changed my looks, how I walked, how I talked, everything. Yet, somehow, I was still my father's son. I could never escape that, no matter how much I wanted to.

Then, suddenly, I found myself freed of this. So what if I am my father son? I am also my Heavenly Father's son. I only have to do what I am called to do and I will become who I will be. That's not so bad, is it? So what if my father was used to be part of the mold that is me? I will be made a new man as Scripture says, so I need not worry.

Yet, then I went for a run. I had my iPod playing my running tracks mix just as I have many times before, when it came on. The song. If you never heard it, the chorus is a little something like, "No I don't hate, don't wanna fight you, know I'll always love you but right now I just don't like you, 'cause you took this too far." That's went I realized, I was still mad at my dad. However, I was able to run it out for now. That's such a great feeling, running your problems down so you can deal with them.

Sweet Sarah, Rest and Be Still

Sarah, Sweet Sarah
Why the tears on your face?
Sarah, Sweet Sarah
For what do you mourn?

Is it because Daddy gone
Or Momma's teary face?
Is for your broken home
Or for all the human race?
Is for the mothers
Or the children in their arms?
Is for the failure
Or all that's gone wrong?

Sarah, Sweet Sarah
Why the tears on your face?
Sarah, Sweet Sarah
For what do you mourn?

(I'm not really sure why I wrote this, who this is to, or anything. I just felt it on my heart and wrote it. I have been coming back to it for a while now and nothing is coming to me on how to finish it. I feel it should be published however.)