Roses For Their Petals

Once someone told me that roses can predict things. They said the if you give someone a rose, and if it didn't wilt, you would soon find good fortune. However, conversely, if it soon wilted, bad fortune was to follow. Well, I have given many roses in my life, and none of them wilted very quickly, yet I wouldn't say I've been all that fortune.

Perhaps I should explain further before I confuse any one. You see, the color of the rose directly relates to what it is predicting. Red roses speak of love, yellow of friendship, white of life itself, etc. I have never read this anywhere, nor read it. Yet I remember what I was told so distinctly.

I am not a man who believes in luck. I think if God is in control, then luck has no place in the universe. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know that reason at first. Yes, even if that reason hurts more than we realize, it is still there.

I have given red roses that did not wilt for over a week. I am twenty and single with no real prospects. I gave a friend a white rose less than a year ago. It was very much alive a few days later, even a week later it had barely started to drop its petals. Well, I'm alive, but my "quality of life" could be questionable. We will not get into that.

Now, I'm sure there are people wondering, "If you just basically cut people out of your life for now, why are you suddenly getting all sentimental now?" Well, it really comes down to my motives. My reasons for what I've done. You see, I've been in pain for awhile now. It's not a physical pain, but an emotional one. This pain is of my own creation, and it is one I plan on putting to death.

Yet there is more to this picture than that. You see, I value my friendships. Perhaps too much so, for I am oft hurt. I hadn't decided to do what I had until I hit that breaking point. You know, how once you come up with a provisional point, but you don't act on it unless reason justifies it? Well, my plan to do what I am now doing required but one final piece to come into place. That piece came, but it was a blow I have had difficulty facing.

You see, I met someone this year. This person is kind and smart, funny and a good conversationalist. There are over qualities, but that is neither here nor there. My point is that I had (or at least I thought I had) started to become somewhat close to this person. Then, so events happened and we ended up talking less. Fine, as long as we're still friends.

Apparently there is a degree to which this person wants me as a "friend." I believe the term is acquaintance? Now, you might find me childish for allow this to be my final breaking point, as it were, but you must understand, there are other factors. I cannot fully explain until it is all over, but this was too much for me. What I broke is too apparent, and now must be fixed or replaced. Fortunately, God is good at fixing and/or replacing. Yet I need to focus on things.

So, to explain as I can, my reasoning. What I am is not what I want to be. What I do is not what I want to do. So, I will change it. I have always said that if you do not like something, change it. Well, it's about time I took my own advice.

I am tired of being hurt by people, simply due to their thoughtlessness. We give false signals, and then panic. This hurts. Well, I cannot change others, only myself. There was a time I was uncaring and nigh heartless. I think that would be a rather disagreeable state as I now know Christ. I think it's time for a different approach, but I don't know what that will be yet. I have been temped to run away from everyone I know, run away and start my life over. There are times I want to go where no one knows my name, my face, or anything about me. Why? Because, I often feel that people hate the real me, the me I hide. I wear a mask, not to protect myself, but to protect everyone else.

It's not that I am so terrible. It's just I notice a trend. This trend is horrible and repulsive. It is due to this trend I do not trust most people. People tend to pull away from me when I'm hurting. If I tell them what has happened to me in my past, they back off. The more someone knows me, the more they treat me different. There is no one that is the exception. Am I to trust those who will never allow themselves close to me?

I am very aware of myself and that which surrounds me. When people behave one way or another, I notice. The question I now have to answer, is it me, or is it them? If it is me, then maybe I can fix that. If it is them, Lord help me...

For this reason, I do not trust the rose! It is a liar!

We claim to be unable to explain things, that is a lie. I could explain what's going on with me, but I choose not to right now. When it is over, I will have told my story and it will be understood. You say you cannot explain, this is not true, it never is. I know from experience. We claim we can't, but it more of that we won't. If we try, we can, but it's easier not to try.

Once someone told me to disbelieve the story about the roses. They told me it was a story of false hope. They told me I would be alone, and trying would be useless. Over the years, I have had what I considered good friends suddenly leave with no warning. People who claimed they thought of me as close just vanish from my life. I am starting to believe I will ultimately be alone... Like that last rose petal that falls after all the others have dried away...

My Little Vanishing Act

I guess I'm writing this ahead of time. I guess I'm writing this to inform people before it happens. I guess...

This semester has found me, already, stressed beyond what I thought I could be in just a few sort days. So, in light of the nature of semesters to just get worse, I am issuing a warning to everyone.

It's simple really, I'm not going to be seen much. I will not be socializing much, "Facebooking" that much, I won't even be calling or texting much. I will be too busy for this. Also, there are things I'm going through that I have to deal with, alone. I ask that no one try to get me to talk about it, etc, etc. I know, I have friends and whatnot, but I also have things that must be done, and no one can help me do this except God. No wisdom, no hang out time, no e-mail, no phone call, nothing can help me right now.

This is not a rash decision, this is not me being brash. I made this choice after much thought. When I am seen, if I appear to be sulking, I may just be in deep thought. I have a lot going on, and when I am ready to talk, I am ready to talk. I will continue to write, I will continue to do what I normally do, but I will be lock away in my room when I am not doing other things. This is my choice, I have my reasons. I cannot fully explain them, for no one would understand. That is all.

The Return of The Klutz!

This summer (rocky as it was), found me doing some things I've never been very apt at doing. That is, my overall klutziness was a a minimum. That's right, tripping, falling down stairs, and bumping into random objects was not an issue for me this summer. Then it happened, I returned to school.

It's almost like my klutziness has started to make up for lost time. I've been banging my knee so much that I have bruises on both. I've tripped over various objects multiple times the last several days. I have random cuts, and my left ankle is in pain. I mean, I've never been very graceful (except when running, which I enter some super balance state and can even run backwards, which is why I do it from time to time), but this is nuts. I'm sure people think I'm an accident waiting to happen now.

Things I've tripped over lately:

• cords
• boxes
• small bits of plastic
• my guitar case
• my desk chair
• the very air itself

Things I've ran into lately:

• my desk
• other people's desks
• a door
• stair railing
• door frames
• a couch

Well, I guess it was bound to happen at some point. I've always been a bit awkward, so this is not a new trend. However, a day without tripping or running into somethings would be grand.

Welcome Back! Here's Some Craziness, On Us.

School is back in session, and now it's time for classes again. It's been a long summer, but I'm ready and geared up for school. Or so I thought.

Two days of school later, and I have over 300 pages of reading due within the next two days. On top of that, I have approximately 15 (and most likely more) papers due by the end of the semester. Also, multiple projects that I basically have to start at least a month and a half in advance if I even want to hope to complete them on time. Plus I have to pick up speaking Middle English within this time. The added bonus of that is one of my classes assigns all the readings in Middle English.

For those of you thinking either, "The Middle English bit doesn't sound so hard," or, "What is Middle English?" allow me to explain. Middle English is basically what was spoken in England during the Middle Ages. For all of you who have seen the movies of knights and such, who think they spoke the same, dream on. For those of you who mistakenly think Shakespeare is Middle English, I wish.

Here is a sample of Middle English from Geoffrey Chaucer's Canterbury Tales:
Whan that Aprill with his shoures soote
The drogthe of March hath perced to the roote,
And bathed every veyne in swich licour
Of which vertu engendered is the flour
Whan Zephirus eek with his sweete breeth

Yes, those are actual words. Yes, you probably can't make head or tales of it. Yes, by the end of the semester, I will ideally be able to speak it was well as I do modern English. Now, read aloud, it makes more sense, but then there are words in Middle English that mean different things than in modern English. Like "degree" means "social rank," "made forward" means "made agreement," and "corages" means "hearts." I will be using that all semester.

However, it seems the ideal way to read and thus speak Middle English is to do it with a British Accent. So, my British will get better, which is a bit of a plus. Also, it will give me insight to the British mannerisms and saying that confuse most of us "yankees."

Any way, back to the work load of the semester. I also have to teach a book to one of my classes; a book I have to buy. Plus become a grammar "nazi," as some term it. All the while, doing other misc. tests and quizzes. I will be busy.

Web Comics Have Filler, Can Blogs Have Filler Too?

I was going to "treat" my readers (are you out there?) to a rant that I've been musing in my head for the past couple of days, but...

I received an e-mail with a link inside (http://www.thefunnystuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=925).

You should watch the video, it will crack you up, in pieces.


Which will have to be swept up...

And then put back together again.

But not by the King's horses or men, we see how that lot did with Humpty Dumpty. Poor chap never was put back together again...

Then again, the dude was an egg-man-thing, or some sort like that, so maybe it was best.



...why was he sitting on a wall if he was an egg?
He deserved it if you ask me, Mr. Dumpty was a moron, case closed.

Well, maybe that's too mean, but still, who in their right mind, if they find themselves to be made of egg, would sit on a wall?