Greeting my loyal fans (all none of you) and those who read this blog (all three of you). Today I write, not because I have anything of particular note to write about, but because I promised myself a long time ago I would try to start developing my writing skills. Also, because I feel this need to write, or else I might go stir crazy.
Yet, if I don't have a point, then this post is meaningless. So, in a effort to prevent meaninglessness, on with the post.
I sometimes wonder how things happen as they do. Lately, I have had some of the most curious of dreams. In them, I suddenly am reunited with a very dear friend of mine that, for reasons I do not know, stopped talking with me about a year ago. I had started to get back in contact with her, but that never went very far. I'll admit, I was quite smitten with her at one point.
However, I was so sure I had moved on, yet these dreams. I'm not sure if these dreams are from my feelings that I once had, or if they're just my mind trying to work through something. It's hard to tell. None of the dreams suggest any sort of relationship or want thereof, but the mind is hard to understand at best.
The dreams all involve simply spending time with the person in question. Talking over a cup of coffee, watching movies, small things like that are the focus of the dreams. In the dreams, I never feel infatuated with her. In fact, I just feel content, like I do when I spend time with my friends. I wonder if it is just my desire to befriend this person again. However, the mind has a habit of playing tricks on one.
Sometimes I envy people who cannot recall what they saw as they slept. I remember most of my mind's wondering as I sleep, well into the waking hours. I can recount my dreams for long periods of time, anywhere from days to years later.
Nightmares are included in this. I can recall nightmares I had as a child, and even remember my greatest fears. I remember many things I wish I could forget, and have forgotten many things I wish I could remember. Yet, my memories don't fade much. I can recall the faces of most of the people I've ever met. I can meet someone one time and have instant recall of their face. I even remember the faces of people I pass by. I can see someone on a street corner, then see them weeks later somewhere else and remember seeing them.
My point is that I haven't forgotten how I felt about her, and I worry. I haven't forgotten my past mistakes with her, and I don't know if there is even a friendship left there. I hope there is, but one never knows. I hope, for one, there still is...
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Fearing You Only Gets To Me
Lately, as I have said more than once, I've been doing a lot of thinking. It's funny how driving in one's car can leave so much time for thought. I think I have thought more about my life and what's going on around me in the last month than I have in a good, long while. Not everything I have uncovered in this time has been good.
The mind is a funny thing. Even when you believe you've mastered it's art, it reveals yet another secret. The heart is the same way. I think that we all over think things. I, too, am guilty of that. I recently had become rather too involved with a friend of mine. It's left us both in a rather unsettled place. For her, I cannot fully understand. For me, I cannot help but feel guilty somehow.
In a healthy relationship, it is natural for both parties to own up to their part in anything. This is my way of owning up. I shouldn't have put you in that situation. I should have taken more responsibility. I admit, I enjoyed the conversations perhaps too much. I have never found myself enjoying a conversation, online or otherwise, so much. I do not offer this as an excuse, but as the truth.
I like to converse, any one who knows me knows this. I hate using the phone for it takes something away from the conversation. I love writing and communicating from it. I never thought, however, about what I said and how it might impose. I'll admit that I get attached to people quite quickly, and I hold my friends very dear. Yet, what I did, I have never done before. I should have know better, yet, because I did not think, I had a hand in all this. Then I have the audacity to feel betrayed over it, to feel hurt. It was my fault, I should have handled it, but now I have done what I shouldn't. For this, I am sorry.
The mind is a funny thing. Even when you believe you've mastered it's art, it reveals yet another secret. The heart is the same way. I think that we all over think things. I, too, am guilty of that. I recently had become rather too involved with a friend of mine. It's left us both in a rather unsettled place. For her, I cannot fully understand. For me, I cannot help but feel guilty somehow.
In a healthy relationship, it is natural for both parties to own up to their part in anything. This is my way of owning up. I shouldn't have put you in that situation. I should have taken more responsibility. I admit, I enjoyed the conversations perhaps too much. I have never found myself enjoying a conversation, online or otherwise, so much. I do not offer this as an excuse, but as the truth.
I like to converse, any one who knows me knows this. I hate using the phone for it takes something away from the conversation. I love writing and communicating from it. I never thought, however, about what I said and how it might impose. I'll admit that I get attached to people quite quickly, and I hold my friends very dear. Yet, what I did, I have never done before. I should have know better, yet, because I did not think, I had a hand in all this. Then I have the audacity to feel betrayed over it, to feel hurt. It was my fault, I should have handled it, but now I have done what I shouldn't. For this, I am sorry.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
A Wife, That Is My Request
I've been thinking a lot lately. The more I think, the more I come to the same conclusion. I am madly in love with my wife. This is the small hitch in all this, I have yet to meet my wife. I know God knows her and is keeping her safe, but I at times feel like He is keeping her from me.
More than once I have laid awake at night, crying because I am so desperate for human connection. That is to say, I want someone to be in my life that is God fearing, and also a deep part of my life. I almost feel cursed because I have this uncanny ability to match people, but I cannot hope to find the right someone for me. Every time I think, "Maybe, just maybe, this is the woman I've been waiting for," something snatches that up from me.
I've had many people come to me for relationship advice. Many of them, I didn't even know. I gave them what I knew to say. I have seen many people come together from my advice. It will not work for me. I've been told that I am like Will Smith's character in the movie Hitch. I have never seen this film, but what I understand of the plot, I fit the bill. I can fix relationships, I can match people together. God has given this to me. He did not give me this ability for myself.
I don't know how it works. I drive people together. I have been a part of actually putting two people just where they need to be to know they are right for each other, yet I cannot ever do that for me! It's madding to think that I cannot find that woman who God has planned for me. People tell me to wait on His time, that He'll reveal her to me when I'm ready. It's hard to see that at times. Every time I hope is the time I am let down.
I meet many girls; most of my friends are of the female persuasion. Many girls I meet find me attractive at first. I've been told all my life that I'm handsome or cute or whatever. I have learned one thing about this, it means less than nothing. At work, an incoming Freshman girl was flirting with me when she found out I went to the school she would soon start attending. "I'll definitely look you up in the Fall." What does that mean? I'll tell you, jack squat. I might make a new friend, big deal. That not my main concern. I have friends after friends after friends. Making friends to me is like eating, something I do well and often.
I pray for my wife nearly every night. I have since I got Saved. I know God is faithful, even when I'm not. Part of me says, "Hey, all this heartache and waiting, you know she'll be worth it." For a mainly positive person, I can't listen to the positive side of this all the time. There's still the waiting, the longing, and the pain. I fight back the tears as I type this post. I know there are things in my life that have to change so I'm ready for her, but how I long to meet her! I fear I am a hopeless romantic who is slowly losing hope.
More than once I have laid awake at night, crying because I am so desperate for human connection. That is to say, I want someone to be in my life that is God fearing, and also a deep part of my life. I almost feel cursed because I have this uncanny ability to match people, but I cannot hope to find the right someone for me. Every time I think, "Maybe, just maybe, this is the woman I've been waiting for," something snatches that up from me.
I've had many people come to me for relationship advice. Many of them, I didn't even know. I gave them what I knew to say. I have seen many people come together from my advice. It will not work for me. I've been told that I am like Will Smith's character in the movie Hitch. I have never seen this film, but what I understand of the plot, I fit the bill. I can fix relationships, I can match people together. God has given this to me. He did not give me this ability for myself.
I don't know how it works. I drive people together. I have been a part of actually putting two people just where they need to be to know they are right for each other, yet I cannot ever do that for me! It's madding to think that I cannot find that woman who God has planned for me. People tell me to wait on His time, that He'll reveal her to me when I'm ready. It's hard to see that at times. Every time I hope is the time I am let down.
I meet many girls; most of my friends are of the female persuasion. Many girls I meet find me attractive at first. I've been told all my life that I'm handsome or cute or whatever. I have learned one thing about this, it means less than nothing. At work, an incoming Freshman girl was flirting with me when she found out I went to the school she would soon start attending. "I'll definitely look you up in the Fall." What does that mean? I'll tell you, jack squat. I might make a new friend, big deal. That not my main concern. I have friends after friends after friends. Making friends to me is like eating, something I do well and often.
I pray for my wife nearly every night. I have since I got Saved. I know God is faithful, even when I'm not. Part of me says, "Hey, all this heartache and waiting, you know she'll be worth it." For a mainly positive person, I can't listen to the positive side of this all the time. There's still the waiting, the longing, and the pain. I fight back the tears as I type this post. I know there are things in my life that have to change so I'm ready for her, but how I long to meet her! I fear I am a hopeless romantic who is slowly losing hope.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
And The Car Goes, "Rant, Rant, Rant, Rant, Rant!"
Okay, the following is a bunch of things I want to get off a chest, but am complete uninterested/unable to talk with other people about. It is a good old fashioned rant. I am giving this warning so you can look away now and pretend this post does not exist. Continue at your own risk.
Why is it that people don't watch where they're going when they're driving? Is it so hard to follow the rules of the road? Can it really be that difficult to do the right thing!? I have been almost run over while driving by semis I don't know how many times! Those things are dangerous because they act like they own the road and don't watch out for little cars! Is it too much to as for people not to run into me?
Oh, and even better are the people that almost clip you merging into your lane! Is it so hard just to look and make sure you have the room to merge before doing so!? And why do people tend to speed up when a car is pulling out of somewhere in front of them!? It's not like you're going to beat them there, the person is already pulling out!
My favorite are the people who seem to be trying to run you off the road. It's called sharing people! We learned this while we were children, and, yes, it still applies! And seeing as so many people expect you to let them over when they need to merge, why don't they do the same!? Why are we so reckless behind the wheel? Is it so hard to be safe? Do you have to speed everywhere?
Why is it that people don't watch where they're going when they're driving? Is it so hard to follow the rules of the road? Can it really be that difficult to do the right thing!? I have been almost run over while driving by semis I don't know how many times! Those things are dangerous because they act like they own the road and don't watch out for little cars! Is it too much to as for people not to run into me?
Oh, and even better are the people that almost clip you merging into your lane! Is it so hard just to look and make sure you have the room to merge before doing so!? And why do people tend to speed up when a car is pulling out of somewhere in front of them!? It's not like you're going to beat them there, the person is already pulling out!
My favorite are the people who seem to be trying to run you off the road. It's called sharing people! We learned this while we were children, and, yes, it still applies! And seeing as so many people expect you to let them over when they need to merge, why don't they do the same!? Why are we so reckless behind the wheel? Is it so hard to be safe? Do you have to speed everywhere?
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