Roses For Their Petals

Once someone told me that roses can predict things. They said the if you give someone a rose, and if it didn't wilt, you would soon find good fortune. However, conversely, if it soon wilted, bad fortune was to follow. Well, I have given many roses in my life, and none of them wilted very quickly, yet I wouldn't say I've been all that fortune.

Perhaps I should explain further before I confuse any one. You see, the color of the rose directly relates to what it is predicting. Red roses speak of love, yellow of friendship, white of life itself, etc. I have never read this anywhere, nor read it. Yet I remember what I was told so distinctly.

I am not a man who believes in luck. I think if God is in control, then luck has no place in the universe. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know that reason at first. Yes, even if that reason hurts more than we realize, it is still there.

I have given red roses that did not wilt for over a week. I am twenty and single with no real prospects. I gave a friend a white rose less than a year ago. It was very much alive a few days later, even a week later it had barely started to drop its petals. Well, I'm alive, but my "quality of life" could be questionable. We will not get into that.

Now, I'm sure there are people wondering, "If you just basically cut people out of your life for now, why are you suddenly getting all sentimental now?" Well, it really comes down to my motives. My reasons for what I've done. You see, I've been in pain for awhile now. It's not a physical pain, but an emotional one. This pain is of my own creation, and it is one I plan on putting to death.

Yet there is more to this picture than that. You see, I value my friendships. Perhaps too much so, for I am oft hurt. I hadn't decided to do what I had until I hit that breaking point. You know, how once you come up with a provisional point, but you don't act on it unless reason justifies it? Well, my plan to do what I am now doing required but one final piece to come into place. That piece came, but it was a blow I have had difficulty facing.

You see, I met someone this year. This person is kind and smart, funny and a good conversationalist. There are over qualities, but that is neither here nor there. My point is that I had (or at least I thought I had) started to become somewhat close to this person. Then, so events happened and we ended up talking less. Fine, as long as we're still friends.

Apparently there is a degree to which this person wants me as a "friend." I believe the term is acquaintance? Now, you might find me childish for allow this to be my final breaking point, as it were, but you must understand, there are other factors. I cannot fully explain until it is all over, but this was too much for me. What I broke is too apparent, and now must be fixed or replaced. Fortunately, God is good at fixing and/or replacing. Yet I need to focus on things.

So, to explain as I can, my reasoning. What I am is not what I want to be. What I do is not what I want to do. So, I will change it. I have always said that if you do not like something, change it. Well, it's about time I took my own advice.

I am tired of being hurt by people, simply due to their thoughtlessness. We give false signals, and then panic. This hurts. Well, I cannot change others, only myself. There was a time I was uncaring and nigh heartless. I think that would be a rather disagreeable state as I now know Christ. I think it's time for a different approach, but I don't know what that will be yet. I have been temped to run away from everyone I know, run away and start my life over. There are times I want to go where no one knows my name, my face, or anything about me. Why? Because, I often feel that people hate the real me, the me I hide. I wear a mask, not to protect myself, but to protect everyone else.

It's not that I am so terrible. It's just I notice a trend. This trend is horrible and repulsive. It is due to this trend I do not trust most people. People tend to pull away from me when I'm hurting. If I tell them what has happened to me in my past, they back off. The more someone knows me, the more they treat me different. There is no one that is the exception. Am I to trust those who will never allow themselves close to me?

I am very aware of myself and that which surrounds me. When people behave one way or another, I notice. The question I now have to answer, is it me, or is it them? If it is me, then maybe I can fix that. If it is them, Lord help me...

For this reason, I do not trust the rose! It is a liar!

We claim to be unable to explain things, that is a lie. I could explain what's going on with me, but I choose not to right now. When it is over, I will have told my story and it will be understood. You say you cannot explain, this is not true, it never is. I know from experience. We claim we can't, but it more of that we won't. If we try, we can, but it's easier not to try.

Once someone told me to disbelieve the story about the roses. They told me it was a story of false hope. They told me I would be alone, and trying would be useless. Over the years, I have had what I considered good friends suddenly leave with no warning. People who claimed they thought of me as close just vanish from my life. I am starting to believe I will ultimately be alone... Like that last rose petal that falls after all the others have dried away...