Roses For Their Petals

Once someone told me that roses can predict things. They said the if you give someone a rose, and if it didn't wilt, you would soon find good fortune. However, conversely, if it soon wilted, bad fortune was to follow. Well, I have given many roses in my life, and none of them wilted very quickly, yet I wouldn't say I've been all that fortune.

Perhaps I should explain further before I confuse any one. You see, the color of the rose directly relates to what it is predicting. Red roses speak of love, yellow of friendship, white of life itself, etc. I have never read this anywhere, nor read it. Yet I remember what I was told so distinctly.

I am not a man who believes in luck. I think if God is in control, then luck has no place in the universe. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know that reason at first. Yes, even if that reason hurts more than we realize, it is still there.

I have given red roses that did not wilt for over a week. I am twenty and single with no real prospects. I gave a friend a white rose less than a year ago. It was very much alive a few days later, even a week later it had barely started to drop its petals. Well, I'm alive, but my "quality of life" could be questionable. We will not get into that.

Now, I'm sure there are people wondering, "If you just basically cut people out of your life for now, why are you suddenly getting all sentimental now?" Well, it really comes down to my motives. My reasons for what I've done. You see, I've been in pain for awhile now. It's not a physical pain, but an emotional one. This pain is of my own creation, and it is one I plan on putting to death.

Yet there is more to this picture than that. You see, I value my friendships. Perhaps too much so, for I am oft hurt. I hadn't decided to do what I had until I hit that breaking point. You know, how once you come up with a provisional point, but you don't act on it unless reason justifies it? Well, my plan to do what I am now doing required but one final piece to come into place. That piece came, but it was a blow I have had difficulty facing.

You see, I met someone this year. This person is kind and smart, funny and a good conversationalist. There are over qualities, but that is neither here nor there. My point is that I had (or at least I thought I had) started to become somewhat close to this person. Then, so events happened and we ended up talking less. Fine, as long as we're still friends.

Apparently there is a degree to which this person wants me as a "friend." I believe the term is acquaintance? Now, you might find me childish for allow this to be my final breaking point, as it were, but you must understand, there are other factors. I cannot fully explain until it is all over, but this was too much for me. What I broke is too apparent, and now must be fixed or replaced. Fortunately, God is good at fixing and/or replacing. Yet I need to focus on things.

So, to explain as I can, my reasoning. What I am is not what I want to be. What I do is not what I want to do. So, I will change it. I have always said that if you do not like something, change it. Well, it's about time I took my own advice.

I am tired of being hurt by people, simply due to their thoughtlessness. We give false signals, and then panic. This hurts. Well, I cannot change others, only myself. There was a time I was uncaring and nigh heartless. I think that would be a rather disagreeable state as I now know Christ. I think it's time for a different approach, but I don't know what that will be yet. I have been temped to run away from everyone I know, run away and start my life over. There are times I want to go where no one knows my name, my face, or anything about me. Why? Because, I often feel that people hate the real me, the me I hide. I wear a mask, not to protect myself, but to protect everyone else.

It's not that I am so terrible. It's just I notice a trend. This trend is horrible and repulsive. It is due to this trend I do not trust most people. People tend to pull away from me when I'm hurting. If I tell them what has happened to me in my past, they back off. The more someone knows me, the more they treat me different. There is no one that is the exception. Am I to trust those who will never allow themselves close to me?

I am very aware of myself and that which surrounds me. When people behave one way or another, I notice. The question I now have to answer, is it me, or is it them? If it is me, then maybe I can fix that. If it is them, Lord help me...

For this reason, I do not trust the rose! It is a liar!

We claim to be unable to explain things, that is a lie. I could explain what's going on with me, but I choose not to right now. When it is over, I will have told my story and it will be understood. You say you cannot explain, this is not true, it never is. I know from experience. We claim we can't, but it more of that we won't. If we try, we can, but it's easier not to try.

Once someone told me to disbelieve the story about the roses. They told me it was a story of false hope. They told me I would be alone, and trying would be useless. Over the years, I have had what I considered good friends suddenly leave with no warning. People who claimed they thought of me as close just vanish from my life. I am starting to believe I will ultimately be alone... Like that last rose petal that falls after all the others have dried away...

A Wife, That Is My Request

I've been thinking a lot lately. The more I think, the more I come to the same conclusion. I am madly in love with my wife. This is the small hitch in all this, I have yet to meet my wife. I know God knows her and is keeping her safe, but I at times feel like He is keeping her from me.

More than once I have laid awake at night, crying because I am so desperate for human connection. That is to say, I want someone to be in my life that is God fearing, and also a deep part of my life. I almost feel cursed because I have this uncanny ability to match people, but I cannot hope to find the right someone for me. Every time I think, "Maybe, just maybe, this is the woman I've been waiting for," something snatches that up from me.

I've had many people come to me for relationship advice. Many of them, I didn't even know. I gave them what I knew to say. I have seen many people come together from my advice. It will not work for me. I've been told that I am like Will Smith's character in the movie Hitch. I have never seen this film, but what I understand of the plot, I fit the bill. I can fix relationships, I can match people together. God has given this to me. He did not give me this ability for myself.

I don't know how it works. I drive people together. I have been a part of actually putting two people just where they need to be to know they are right for each other, yet I cannot ever do that for me! It's madding to think that I cannot find that woman who God has planned for me. People tell me to wait on His time, that He'll reveal her to me when I'm ready. It's hard to see that at times. Every time I hope is the time I am let down.

I meet many girls; most of my friends are of the female persuasion. Many girls I meet find me attractive at first. I've been told all my life that I'm handsome or cute or whatever. I have learned one thing about this, it means less than nothing. At work, an incoming Freshman girl was flirting with me when she found out I went to the school she would soon start attending. "I'll definitely look you up in the Fall." What does that mean? I'll tell you, jack squat. I might make a new friend, big deal. That not my main concern. I have friends after friends after friends. Making friends to me is like eating, something I do well and often.

I pray for my wife nearly every night. I have since I got Saved. I know God is faithful, even when I'm not. Part of me says, "Hey, all this heartache and waiting, you know she'll be worth it." For a mainly positive person, I can't listen to the positive side of this all the time. There's still the waiting, the longing, and the pain. I fight back the tears as I type this post. I know there are things in my life that have to change so I'm ready for her, but how I long to meet her! I fear I am a hopeless romantic who is slowly losing hope.

Starlight Ponderings

I've been thinking a lot lately, which is a habit some would say I should quit. I would disagree, but that is neither here, nor there. What is at hand this what's been on my mind. Namely, my future and where I should be in the next several years. Truth be told, I am not completely sure. I have been pondering my life and asking questions that I didn't think I would ask. Namely, "Where am I going?"

I know I've been called to teach. However, teaching is a complicated thing. Ever since I set out of my goal to obtain a teaching degree, the same question kept rearing its head, "Why not teach at the collegiate level?" Is it because I am too lazy? Is it because I do not desire this? Is it because God isn't calling me there? Truth be told, I cannot answer this. Why shouldn't I get my doctorate? Yes, yes, this is several years down the line, but why should I stop at a master's degree in English? Teaching, yes, is in my future. However, education is a complex thing. There are many levels at which one could teach, and many ways to teach.

I've thought about it for years and one of my truest and deepest desires is to write professionally. Now I am aware that my craft requires some refining, yet the want is deeply embedded within myself. Furthermore, my writing is something many have encouraged. I've always been astute when it came to matters of the written word. I was and am still leaps and bounds ahead of many of my peers in both reading and writing (of course this is only by the Grace of, I am aware). Why is it that I cannot teach by writing? Is that not what C.S. Lewis set out to do with his essays?

The point I am making here is why should I stop with high school? Honestly, it wasn't like high school was my only choice. I personally chose to stop at the high school level. There is nothing to stop me from getting my doctorate unless this is outside God's Will for my life. Of course, if it is outside His Will, I do not want to be there, but lately I've grown restless.

This, alas, is not the only thing on my mind. The other night, while conversing with a now trice mentioned friend, the question was posed, "Where would you want to live?" I've thought about this for years. I want it clear before I say anything more, that I do love America. It is a fine country in its own right. However, I grow weary of living on its soil. I've always had this dream of living in Europe. Either on the British isle, or near it. I always love watching movies filmed in that part of the world because I love seeing it. When I meet people with British, Irish, and even Scottish accents, part of me wishes I had the same said accent. I can do a mean impression of each.

This, unfortunately, is a far off dream. If I ever get my doctorate in English, it would be a possibility to teach out there. If I ever become a writer, I could move out there. Yet, these are if. Be it God's Will or let it never be. That is all I have to say of the matter.

Now, some (all one of you who read this blog) might be wondering why I changed the layout of the blog. It is simple, I used the old layout for my newest blog, Starlight Ponderings. I decided that since I had a more serious blog for posting Biblical and Christian essays, and this one is becoming a rant blog, I might as well have one for my more literary aspirations. So this new blog will have samples of my poetry and my short stories. It seemed only fitting to me.